this is literally a CIA plant
You Might Also Like
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
All I did from 1984-1990 was try to shoot the laughing dog in Duck Hunt
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
Citizen: We need your help!
Sailor Moon: Okay! Let me just change.
*20 mins later*
Sailor Moon: I’m ready!
Citizen: Everyone’s dead.
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.