I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
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Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously