[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
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Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
Leaving your home without your smart phone is modern day camping. You’re out there in the wild with no way of making contact with anyone, roughing it up on your way to pick up dry cleaning.
The point of your 20s
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“I just figured the ‘H’ was broken on your sign”
Nope, this is what I sell here. Now how many Doug nuts do you want?