*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
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Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Solving a traffic jam
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.