My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
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The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Sign at work today
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*