“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
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I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
need a new bf mines broken 😐
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart