I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
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Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
inventing words: clothing
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
Going down to the deli and standing a little too close to the slicer because haircuts are expensive
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my reportWhat I imagine it’d be like if I had a job
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts