My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Cute guy: Is this seat taken?
Me: (ok, play it cool) No. *smiles*
Him: *takes chair away*
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston