Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
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Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
Got excited because I thought my wife bought ice cream at the store.
Eye cream. It was eye cream.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
kid: dad see i’m dressed as you for halloween
dad: nice buddy *handing suitcase to kid* have fun at work
kid: i didn’t-
dad: *tossing keys* easy on the clutch
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Now this is how you LinkedIn
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.