My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
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Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
Golfer: *lining up his shot* what do you think?
Me (first day as a caddy): *reaching for a club* i think you should try your best
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.