My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
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Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
If you want to suddenly be surrounded by small children & animals, crinkle a candy wrapper.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
The internet is full of many things
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
KIDNAPPER 1: Is he responding to the truth serum?
KIDNAPPER 2: *Walking out of room I was in, clearly emotionally exhausted* He has… just so many Harry Potter theories.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
What genius named it a “news feed” on Facebook and not “bullshit”?!
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.