Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
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What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
I love seeing the look of dawning comprehension as someone realizes a new truth.
*tosses another water balloon from my roof
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”