COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
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Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Your birth certificate is your very first participation trophy.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
79.
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Relationship status: I shout “PIZZA’S HERE” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating two pizzas by myself.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*