imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
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Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
[Justice League HQ]
Batman: Hahaha *changes his HBO GO® password and doesn’t give the new one to The Flash*
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker