[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
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If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Me: *washes hands 97 times a day now*
Also me: *hasn’t washed coffee mug since 2003*
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
Magician: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat and makes doves appear from a handkerchief*
Zookeeper: And the penguin in your backpack. Hand it over.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
Something Saturday.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
After cleaning out the pantry, I realized my kid only likes the idea of cereal.
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed