When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.
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Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
Untitled Goose Game (2019)
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.