Your honor these allegations are
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[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
#WhyDoPeopleThinkItsOkayTo replace letters in words with numbers….well now i don’t feel like reading the math equation you just sent me
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.
Logged into LinkedIn for the first time in three months and immediately received 45 emails from LinkedIn
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Someone robbed a Pensacola Mini Mart stealing 300 cases of Red Bull. How do these people sleep at night.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.