“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
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I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
I falcon love using swear birds
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
me *swallowing pride*
baby lion: holy shit
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.