Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
-Guess I’m thankful for that patron who always asks for a bunch of things that don’t exist and always ends up getting mad at us.
-The guy who just called and said he’d be here in ten minutes? Why in the world does he make you feel thankful?
-Because I go on break in five minutes.
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Moms. The original autocorrect.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things