Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
You Might Also Like
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The world is your Oyster.
So raw, rubbery and resembling a booger?
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
Monday?
No. Next question.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
the DJ an hour ago: hey if someone lost a black sweater we found it ! seems like it belongs to a child
my sister: how funny would it be if that was mom’s
my mom just now: i lost my black sweater i think :/
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.