airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
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Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
My life coach traded me.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
I have written yet another poem about laundry
Remembering the year my son sent me a Mother’s Day card saying ‘you’re like a mother to me.’
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice