The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
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I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people