I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
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Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
My dad, leaning on the fence at the edge of the diamond: GO TO FIRST BASE. GET TO FIRST BASE
Me, enjoying a picnic with my date: dad please
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
GalileoGalileo, Galileo Galileo, Galileo Figaro
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i’m not addicted to my phone im disoriented
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…