I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
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Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Stages of home cleanliness:
1. Spotless
2. Tidy
3. Messy
4. Apocalyptic doom
5. Unsupervised toddler
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
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