I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
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me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
This raises questions
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Her: *slaps grilled cheese from my hand* I’m leaving you!
Me: *slowly removes emergency grilled cheese from my pocket*
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows