I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
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*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
Miscakes
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I think my husband is beginning to suspect
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
🔦🌙👣
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children