“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
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Girls be like: I love a man in uniform.
Me: First of all that’s an inmate.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
Joke’s on my neighbour, I actually like being kept locked in his shed.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Oh the world we live in…
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
work smarter, not harder
absolutely not
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework