Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.