1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
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I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Nice try Hitler
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.