This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
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I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
The only thing that’s not possible is staying away from you…
-stalker’s
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Hurricane Facebook Events are back y’all
Are you ok, human???
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk