her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
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MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of coffee.
This means that the average human gets 41 miles per gallon.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
Me, a mature adult: hee hee that football announcer said “reach around and squeeze it from the back”.
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.