Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
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On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
I drank half a bottle of NyQuil and tried to call Audrey Hepburn on my microwave
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
This probably isn’t good
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
*in a fight with Humpty Dumpty*
“You don’t scare me, I eat eggs like you for breakfast”
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I am not afraid to stand up to my wife when she is not looking.