me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
You Might Also Like
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Merlin: What now?
Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police
Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
I’m happy my date didn’t snoop in my medicine cabinet but sad I spent an hour setting up 40 ping pong balls in there for nothing
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?