My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
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Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
don’t be scared
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
husband: aren’t you excited?
me:
husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
and now we wait
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.