Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
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I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I mean…but I did
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go