Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
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twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Of course I’ve slept in the wet spot
My ex drooled like a Komodo dragon