*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
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What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
it must be school picture day
If you’re still trying to decide on your plans for Easter weekend, ask yourself “What would Jesus do?” and definitely don’t do that.
Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”
officer it’s my son’s car
“just make it stop sir”
I don’t know how
“can you call him”
I’ll try
*tries to dial while car bounces up and down*
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
science: the human body is a fine tuned machine
my nervous system: [releases stress chemicals for no reason]
my immune system: [is allergic to pollen, air and ghosts]
my personality: ? [i don’t know who i am lmao]
me: ok
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.