First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
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Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Cartoon orange juice is just pulp fiction
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
figuring out my emotional availability:
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.