An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
You Might Also Like
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Dogs can be sound asleep, get up and shake it off and they’re ready to go. I tried this and sprained my neck
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
͏
͏͏
͏
͏
͏
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor