*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
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IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.
*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
He a real one for that
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
i hate you platonically
Good advice.
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
Who called it cryptocurrency instead of “Bits Betta Have My Money”?
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.