Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
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This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Sci-Fi Author: In my book I invented the Torment Nexus as a cautionary tale
Tech Company: At long last, we have created the Torment Nexus from classic sci-fi novel Don’t Create The Torment Nexus
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
Him: (on phone) Why are you single? Me: (watching a movie about a killer tire) I don’t know.
My Guy
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner