*plot twist*
plot: ouch!!!
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Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)
The devil.
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?