Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
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Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
[enters house after leaving the kids home with my husband]
12: No, you shut up!
14: NO! YOU SHUT UP!
Me: *locks eyes with my husband and backs out of house slowly*
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.