The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
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beware of dog
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
I wanted to lose 10 pounds this year. Only 13 to go.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
Happy Star Wars day!
No one claims to like clowns, and yet there are clowns. What an evolutionary adaptive species they must be, clowns.
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.