I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
You Might Also Like
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
When an object reveals that it has some biological similarities to you don’t get so hung up on that phrasing. To me as in we are alike? To me as in I am its recipient in an exchange? One of your aloof scientist deadpan friends has started to freak out about the garage sale.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
YouTube: hi. we see you’re holding the drum to the washing machine in place with your knee and a pair of pliers in your mouth . We’ll get to your how-to video in just a sec but first we’d like to show you 2 minutes of unskippable ads