It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
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Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
They should have a surrealist SAT, with questions like:
A train departs the South Pole at sunflower AM while a submarine swallows a cormorant’s wings. Where will they meet?
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*