Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
You Might Also Like
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Saw online –
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken- what
Me: what
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
Oceanography is all about current events
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.