Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
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Owls can make clicking noises with their tongues, often as part of a threat display.
🔊
*Cleans house*
*looks at family*
“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.