People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
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[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.