Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
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Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
“You think only God can judge you?”
*Judge Judy spins around in chair to face you*
“Well THINK AGAIN!”
*bangs gavel so hard it breaks*
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
Coworker: Are you joining us for the team meeting in the conference room?
Me: Nah, I’ve got too much to do.
Coworker: That’s too bad, the boss brought in some donuts.
Me:
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails